Run.Bake.Inspire

Spring has never really been my favorite, but I do love the whole Easter season. There is always a feeling of hope and the air just seems a little more fresh.

These past couple months have been brutal with colds and sickness for the whole family. Thankfully, it seems like we are going to make it out alive and I am hopeful that there are no other illnesses making their appearance….because we have literally had everything possible! We are ready for fresh air and fresh hope.

I had every intention to work with a trainer this year to prep for a half marathon in September. So, the other day, while still not feeling well, I signed up! I took the plunge and committed to focused run training, because let’s be honest, I am still a newbie and have so much to learn.

Before I was struck with the plague that my family shared with me I was able to get out for a run in my favorite spot. If you’ve been following me from the beginning, you’ll know that I leaned to run in a grave yard. I was terrified that I was going to look ridiculous when I started running, so it was a perfect place to hide and I knew the company I had there was very non-judgemental.

The weather has been really nice and I decided to take a break from my running break. Running has become the thing in my life that gets me back to focus. I’m the healthiest version of me when I’m in a training cycle. I needed to feel that way again.

I remember one of the first few times I was at the grave yard and I found a grave stone for a baby boy named Buddy. He was born December 30th and passed away January 1st. I remember that hitting me like a tonne of bricks. He never had a chance.

No matter how much I was struggling in those first runs, at least I was able to choose if I wanted to go running, Buddy and so many others never get that chance.

That’s when I decided that becoming a runner was more than just something to do to get in shape, but my ability to keep going came from knowing that there are so many people that can’t.

My motto for running is, “For those who can’t, because today I can”. Each time I’m given the chance to run, I run with this in mind. There are so many things that can hold us back from doing the things we dream of doing, but this week I was reminded a couple times, we don’t have forever to make those things happen. We have today….this moment… right now!

So, March is ending and the winter is no longer an excuse. I’m looking forward to April with expectation. I will lace up my sneakers as often as I can with a grateful heart…for those who can’t.

I spend a lot of time in the kitchen… If I’m not baking, I’m making supper, doing dishes, or getting 1000 snacks or drinks for the kids (literally, that many). Last week was one of those  crazy busy baking weeks. Cinnamon buns, cookies, and cakes…it was a full on bake fest in my kitchen. While I was baking up a storm I noticed that the bananas were getting to that point…you know…they were screaming to be turned into something more.

Let me explain to you the banana process in our house. Out of the 3 kids only one likes bananas and she will eat them at any stage of ripeness, but only half….like it’s a sin to eat a whole banana. My husband eats them only while they are green, and I only eat them when the green is gone and the brown spots are starting to form…so, needless to say, I rarely get to have a banana.

So to look over and see this…

This is unheard of! There’s like nine banana’s in there! As a lover of all things bread, banana bread included, I knew something had to be done. So, off to google I went. I am also a sucker for anything with a good crumble on top, so the banana crumb muffins on Plated Cravings site would do the trick.

These muffins are delicious and they will not last very long in your house. Trust me!

In this whole process of baking the other day, I was thinking about how amazing it is that a banana can be great at so many different stages. One would think that a bruised and rotten banana would not be very appetizing, but add a few more ingredients and you’ve changed the end of that bananas life into something beautiful and delicious.

Now, this may be a stretch, but something about that resonated with me. I feel like this is an object lesson I would use in a Sunday Sermon or Sunday School, and I may do just that! Here’s the thing, how many of us, at one point or another, felt like we were too far gone to be helped, or that we missed the mark in the past and ruined our chances for a brighter future. How many people live with guilt and shame that causes them to stay stuck in the same old rut, only because they don’t feel like they deserve more.

Lent started last week, and perhaps I should have given up sweets, but after these muffins were made I’m glad I didn’t. This is the first time I’ve decided to take part, or at least, if I had done it before I was a teenager and it probably didn’t last the whole 40 days (if we are being honest). Part of Lent, for me, has been about spending quiet time in the morning to read my Bible and really dig into scripture. On one particular morning the devotion I was reading was called, “You Don’t Have to Clean up First”, it spoke of the idea that God doesn’t expect us to show up perfect, actually completely opposite. Thankfully, He will meet you in the middle of your mess…because life can be exactly that.. messy!

I thought back to when I started getting serious about weight loss and setting an actual weight goal. If I could just hit that target weight loss goal, then I would be happy. All I had to do was eat right and exercise and the weight would just fall off and happiness would follow. I wish it was that easy, but in all reality I was a mess on the inside. I truly believe that some of the literal weight we carry is in relation to the emotional weight we carry. Again, those things like shame or guilt, expectations of others or even unrealistic expectations we have for ourselves, and even lies we’ve believed for most of our lives. The messy parts are what we like to keep hidden and protected, because God forbid another human find out that we are real.

You’ll hear me say this a lot, because I really believe it. Everyone has a purpose! However, sometimes who we are supposed to be becomes skewed along the way. Some of those things are even out of our control. Let me also tell you this, you can find your way back. The first step to doing that is believing that you’re not just a rotten banana, that there is so much more beyond those bruises. Your happiness is dependent on whether or not you believe you deserve to be happy. When you start to believe that you’re worth more you can start to take steps in the right direction. That could look like lots of different things, it could mean making an appointment with a counsellor and opening up for the first time, it could mean meeting with a friend and sharing your hopes and dreams because you finally feel like you can allow yourself dream bigger than you have in a long time, it could also be signing up for something that has terrified you in the past but you know in your heart it could make the world of difference. Heck, it could even be deciding to go for a walk each day to the end of your driveway, or making a plan to eat a healthy breakfast. You get to choose…the idea is to start.

For me, it was running. I would like to think that I was always purposed to run, but if I had never taken a chance and started I would never have realized what I was even capable of. There is freedom in trying and sometimes needing to try again. Every time you make a choice to do something in the direction of your dreams it’s telling your past, your pain, your regrets that they don’t get to hold you back, instead use the  to propel you forward.

Yes, life is messy and sometimes dark and ugly. I would like to think that if a banana has the chance to become something more, that maybe there is even more of a chance for me and you. I know this went super deep really fast, but just know that you are never too far gone.

I absolutely love when Facebook memories pop up to show us what we were doing on this exact day last year, 2 years ago, sometimes 7 or 10 years ago. Most of the time, the memories are great. After all, they do say that social media is the highlight reel. We share the things that are happy, the funny videos, our hilarious children who are never bad…you get the picture! Then there are the sad memories. The obituaries of loved ones gone too soon and the articles and videos reminding us of just how much hate there is in the world. Those memories pop up and we remember where we were, what we were doing, and how much it still makes us hurt. However, I’m still thankful for the memories, because in the midst of the sad you see people rally together and turn it into something beautiful.

Then there are pictures that show us smiling, but hide the multitude of things that we aren’t saying out loud. For anyone else they would see a normal picture, but for you to look at it kind of hurts because you remember it all, the seen and unseen.

This picture was taken about 2 and a half years ago! My high school friend, Sheena, came home from BC to celebrate her engagement! I was so happy to be able to be there and celebrate. Some of my fondest memories from High School include this gal. This is one of those pictures I’m talking about. Anyone else seeing this photo would see a photo of two friends happy to be in each others company….which is true! This is also a picture of me when I was not in a great place.

I don’t know exactly what I weighed here, but I can tell you this, I was exhausted. Even though I was on maternity leave with our youngest, I was still trying to be a mom, a wife and keep up with the cake and cookie biz my sister and I were running. I had made some steps in the right direction for my health at this point by signing up for TOPS and checking out some classes at the local gym, but it was more about getting out of the house. I was not fully invested in myself at this point.

One of the hardest things I have dealt with is feeling unhappy when everything in my life is telling me that I should be happy. I have an amazing and supportive husband, I have three healthy children, we have always had a roof over our heads, we have struggled but God has always provided. So why was I stuck in the place of feeling that everything that went wrong was happening TO me. I could not, for the life of me, get out of this negative space. It was frustrating, overwhelming and just plain tiring.

I’m sharing this with you because many people in my life would probably not even know this about me. Now, being in a better head space, I know there are probably many more people that feel the same way and feel trapped. I don’t have all the answers…I wish I did! However, I had to start somewhere and at the end of the day it was up to me to do something about it or just stay in that same place and wait for someone to save me.

So, let me share with you a few things I did to get started.

First, I signed up for things I knew I needed even if it was terrifying. There are so many great seminars and programs geared towards health and well being. You can check to see if there are programs at your local hospital, check out  a gym or yoga studio, go to church,  or even ask out a friend for coffee. If these are things you haven’t done in a while it will most likely feel uncomfortable, but surprise yourself and do it anyway. It’s not always the program itself that is life changing, but the action of getting up in going in the first place. Do the things that are hard and you will keep proving to yourself that you can do difficult things again and again!

The next thing had everything to do with changing my negative attitude that I had been in denial about in the first place. I needed to change the dialogue in my head to positive speak…..even if I didn’t believe it at first. Whatever negative thing that you find yourself constantly find yourself going back to…change it! Here’s an example: “I am capable and can do this well” verses “I can’t do this, I’m not good at anything!”. Remember, you may not believe it at first, but approaching something you’re unsure of with a positive attitude will get you further than believing that you’ve failed before you even started. Give yourself a chance.

Finally (for now), I surrounded myself with people who lifted me higher. People who were willing to go through the ups and the downs with me. Not that I had a lot of negative people in my life, I just typically didn’t let people in at all. Allow yourself to go deeper in friendships and other relationships, have conversations about your dreams and what you hope to achieve and let people support you in those things. Naturally, you will start to realize what relationships serve you and what ones are sucking the life out of you.

Fast forward to two and a half years after that first picture was taken. My same friend returned home with her husband to celebrate their journey of becoming parents. This picture I can look at with complete joy and gratitude. Thankful for change, for friendship and for miracles.